Presenting The Depressies

black_dog2.jpgIt’s Awards Time once again. That time of year where everyone recognizes somebody who has done something that may mean nothing to anyone. I’m passing out special awards of recognition to those things in my life that I find particularly depressing at the moment.

“’Black dog’ was the term Winston Churchill coined for depression – his own depression.” So in honour of the great man himself I’m giving out Black Dogs or a “Depressy” in each of the following categories.

calendar-03-march-q75-1389×1136.jpgMost Depressing Month: March
I don’t know why but every March is a particularly difficult time for me and I experience a mild depression. Could be not enough sunlight finally catching up to me, the long winter or something really horrible I’ve repressed from my past that happened to me as a child (do grades usually come out in March?). Basketball season comes to an end. sigh.

But March is usually a pretty blue month for me and then in April it lifts for no more reason than it came. At least I hope it lifts. It’ll probably lift. God, it’s GOT to lift.

kenneth_copeland.jpgjohn_hagee_lg.jpgMost Depressing TV Evangelist: Kenneth Copeland / John Hagee
This is a tie. Kenneth wins for ‘Most Depressing’ to me because he has millions sending him millions and he can look in the camera and talk about ‘divine health’ and never being sick a day while clearly nursing a bad sinus infection. And I seem to be the only person in the world who notices this. And I have never watched a whole episode and only see him as I surf at odd times on cable.

The other winner is John Hagee. John is NOT big boned. He is overweight. A lot. He didn’t get that way from being self-controlled. Anyone who rips other people a new one for their sin of choice while clearly advertising his own ALWAYS depresses me, even when it’s NOT March.

brain_scan.jpgMost Depressing Illness: Alzheimer’s
Currently someone I love very much is suffering through latter stages of this horrible illness. I never saw “The Notebook” but anything that gives this a nice ending is full of crap. Not only does this depress me for what is but if I let it take me there it depresses me for what may be. I wonder if Kenneth C. would stop by the Nursing Home for me and do his thing?

dr_phil.jpgMost Depressings TV Talk Show Guru: Dr. Phil
Anyone can tell people what’s wrong with them. It takes a relationship to help people through what’s wrong with them to become healthy again. I’m depressed by anyone, but especially Dr. Phil, who gets rich stealing A.A. slogans and passing them off as homespun wisdom and who treats people in pain as fodder for selling product. I live the day in and day out with hurting people and when they start to quote you Dr. Phil I taste a little vomit in the back of my throat and wonder if you’d pick up if they called you at 1 a.m. in crisis or if you’d take an afternoon and help them clean the dog crap out of their carpet because they just couldn’t get up off the couch to feed themselves last week let alone take the dog out.

eminem.jpgMost Depressing Music Genre: Rap
There are music genres I don’t like but they don’t depress me. Rap depresses me. When I try to give it a listen it always seems like the “Rappers” are angry, horny or both. Most of the time I can’t even understand a word they are saying and sometimes I’m pretty sure one of them is actually saying something important (though Fergie and Gwen are not in that category) and it really depresses me that I can’t understand what they’re saying, let alone get it. It depresses me because I realize I’ve become my parents who completely failed to get KISS.

I wonder if I got my first KISS album in March?

Well, those are my nominations for this year. Any nominations from the floor?


About brianmpei

Stumbling towards what comes next.
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One Response to Presenting The Depressies

  1. Shelley says:

    I’m not sure if you realize this or not but two VERY important, very HAPPY dates fall in march: march 15th–my birthday, and March 17th–St. Patty’s Day!!!!
    These are both great days to have a party which tends to lift near-spring depression (seriously, so weird because it really is almost spring). St. Patty’s day, i’m sure, was designed for this very reason. It is a reason to have fun for no reason at all, AND there are no pre-expectations on the day…like on Xmas or V-day where it’s more work than it’s worth. No, these great, mid-march days are reason enough to be cheery. And rejoice because February (come on, TRULY the most depressing month of the year) is over!

    Also my birthday (MARCH 15th folks), is ALSO the Ides of March. Yes, that’s right, Julius Caesar was betrayed and murdered that day! wait…hmmm, o.k. scratch that as a reason to celebrate. Hey, maybe this is the root of your unknown trauma and repression.

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