Top 5 Inventions I’m Still Waiting For

wayback.jpg Here, in no particular order, are my top 5:

1. Instant Teleportation Machine. Sometimes getting there is as important as being there, but a lot of time it’s not. I want to be able to wake up in my own bed, jump in the ITM and take a swim and snorkel off Goat Island in Tobago, jump back in the ITM and get a shower, head to the office, take a mid-morning coffee break for a pasty and a cappuccino in Chichester, back to the office and instead of meeting with someone in my office in the afternoon, take them immediately to Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland for some scope, a cider and a chat and then back again to hed home for supper at home here on PEI with my fam where we enjoy the Banoffee Pie I brought home from Ireland.

2. Dog Communicator. I’d like to ask my Golden Retriever some questions like, “why do you have to smell other dogs poo?” and “when you have to puke, why do you like to come right to my feet to do it?” and “why can’t you use a litter box like a cat?” I would also like to give her the freedom to just say, “welcome home” when I arrive rather than cover me with tongue love. Think of the potential for trashy tabloids to interview the pets of the stars and get the inside scoop or for seeing eye dogs to not just guide a blind person but actually describe what’s going on, “…rrruff, you would NOT believe the haircut on that guy we just passed…uh-oh, look out, wide load ahead…” We owe it to the blind.

3. Personal Lie Detector. Who doesn’t want one of these? Something small that you can carry on you and whenever somebody says something to you that’s just not true it let’s you know. This would be infinitely practical in court, in business, in interpersonal relationships and especially with your kids. Though I’ve never seen it, I suspect my wife has one of these that must’ve come from the future. Which takes us to…

4. A Time Machine. I love time travel stories and all the complications that the SF writers imagine will be caused by going back in forth in time. I don’t care. When we were kids we had these beta versions of a time machine we called ‘do-overs’. In golf the beta is called ‘a mulligan’. Who doesn’t appreciate these? How many men can’t think of at least one conversation with they’re girlfriend/wife they’d like to go back and have another try at now that we know the ‘right’ answer?

5. A Sense of Humour Patch. (The H.P.) Do we not ALL know someone who seems to have been born completely devoid of a sense of humour? A boss, a co-worker, a prof? This is a rampant problem and someone needs to come up with a patch, like a nicotine patch, that a person can slap on at the start of everyday and keep a steady flow going throughout. They’ll be happier, we’ll all be happier. The danger, of course, will be those who slap 5 or 6 of these on at once. We won’t know if it’s pot, the patch or an attack by the Joker (y’know, the Joker, from “Batman”…never mind).

How about you? What invention are you still waiting for?

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About brianmpei

Stumbling towards what comes next.
This entry was posted in Life, Lists, Rambling, Reflective. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Top 5 Inventions I’m Still Waiting For

  1. nakedpastor says:

    I’m waiting for an actual money tree.

  2. Shelley says:

    medicine to cure men! It would restore those supposed loose connectors in their brains they supposedly loose at birth which makes them quite stupid relationally and unable to look or talk to you when they are playing Halo.

  3. brianmpei says:

    NP: I think the tree is in Detroit. Just read a church there bought their pastor a new parsonage/manse for $3.6 million.

    Shell: I’ll get back to you after I beat this level…

  4. deb says:

    the neurolizer from Men in Black, perfect for those foot in mouth days or any day gone sideways

  5. brianmpei says:

    Deb: to use on yourself or others?

  6. The flying machine that can fold up into a brief case, like on the Jetsons!

  7. Jim Stark says:

    I agree with your list, but I want also the Car Killer: if you’re tailgating me, driving recklessly, or otherwise endangering others, I press a button and your car stops running for one hour.

  8. deb says:

    um (flash) sorry, what were you saying?

  9. brianmpei says:

    Jim: you’re such a nice guy! I always imagine 007 guided missiles when I’m driving! I blew up two offenders just tonight! Your invention is humane and evironmentally friendly! I guess you can be nice when you’ve got mad sword fighting skills like you!

  10. I’ve been waiting for a machine that we can attach to ourselves and receive instant education like in the Matrix. Think of how well that would be for us. We could pay some company $9000 to teach us instant karate, or 1.2 million for an instant doctor’s degree.

    On the note of an Instant Teleportation Machine, I hope that when we do reach that point in human evolution (and we will) that the only repercussion to teleporting will be that when we reanimate on the other end we automatically spoil our underwear. I think it would be funny to watch society adapt to dirtying up its pants just so it could teleport around the globe.

  11. brianmpei says:

    Hmmmm. A small price to pay Andrew! And welcome!

  12. Lindsay says:

    Umm, I know I have better inventions than this- but seriously I would like to win! Ok: Rainbow jello. It’s brilliant. and fun, for kids. and adults, alike. Also, a less creative one: a transporter!

  13. brianmpei says:

    Nice, rainbow jello. Could we put slices of banana in it? Would it be multi-flavour as well as multi-coloured Lindsay?

  14. deb says:

    1. the neurolizer from Men in Black
    2. the remote control from the movie Click
    3. a USB port somewhere on your person (preferably head) for downloading images
    4. a food replicator, see Star Trek, variety IS the spice of life
    5. one universal lanuage, too much gets lost in the translation

  15. Brad says:

    Ok, no offense to the ladies, but how about an ear worm (ala wraith of Kahn) that would tell us (men) the exact right thing to say to a woman to convey a point or message without saying the wrong thing. It could work the other way as well – woman to man in reverse. Hope I’m not being offensive here, just a thought and everyone’s happy 😉

    P.S. I love my wife dearly and like making here happy!

  16. brianmpei says:

    Deb. #4. Yes, very nice. Definitely could go for that on so many levels. Always wondered what they had on board that they could keep recycling into food stuff….hmmmm. Where would they get tons of organic waste?

    Brad. I couldn’t do the ear thing, totally creeps me out but would still love the benefits! Just tell Jen what I tell Donna, “i know there’s a right answer here, just tell me what it is and I’ll make it MY answer.”

  17. Steve says:

    I can’t think of 5, so I guess I am out of the prize pool, but.

    How about a Weather Control Device… this way you can be guaranteed a great holiday.

    So Deb, what would you do with the remote from the movie CLICK???

  18. brianmpei says:

    Steve: It only takes ONE idea to enter! The WCD would be VERY nice. I can see wars breaking out over it though. We can’t even agree on who gets to set the thermostat at my house!

  19. Pingback: Contest Closes at Midnight Tonight « Cracked Virtue

  20. Steve says:

    How about a patch/pill/needle/gizmo thingy to keep you at your ideal weight…. no matter how much you eat or what you eat, you just set it to the weight you’d want to be and you stay there.
    Geez can you tell I’m trying to lose weight????? sighhhhh

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