1. Instant Teleportation Machine. Sometimes getting there is as important as being there, but a lot of time it’s not. I want to be able to wake up in my own bed, jump in the ITM and take a swim and snorkel off Goat Island in Tobago, jump back in the ITM and get a shower, head to the office, take a mid-morning coffee break for a pasty and a cappuccino in Chichester, back to the office and instead of meeting with someone in my office in the afternoon, take them immediately to Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland for some scope, a cider and a chat and then back again to hed home for supper at home here on PEI with my fam where we enjoy the Banoffee Pie I brought home from Ireland.
2. Dog Communicator. I’d like to ask my Golden Retriever some questions like, “why do you have to smell other dogs poo?” and “when you have to puke, why do you like to come right to my feet to do it?” and “why can’t you use a litter box like a cat?” I would also like to give her the freedom to just say, “welcome home” when I arrive rather than cover me with tongue love. Think of the potential for trashy tabloids to interview the pets of the stars and get the inside scoop or for seeing eye dogs to not just guide a blind person but actually describe what’s going on, “…rrruff, you would NOT believe the haircut on that guy we just passed…uh-oh, look out, wide load ahead…” We owe it to the blind.
3. Personal Lie Detector. Who doesn’t want one of these? Something small that you can carry on you and whenever somebody says something to you that’s just not true it let’s you know. This would be infinitely practical in court, in business, in interpersonal relationships and especially with your kids. Though I’ve never seen it, I suspect my wife has one of these that must’ve come from the future. Which takes us to…
4. A Time Machine. I love time travel stories and all the complications that the SF writers imagine will be caused by going back in forth in time. I don’t care. When we were kids we had these beta versions of a time machine we called ‘do-overs’. In golf the beta is called ‘a mulligan’. Who doesn’t appreciate these? How many men can’t think of at least one conversation with they’re girlfriend/wife they’d like to go back and have another try at now that we know the ‘right’ answer?
5. A Sense of Humour Patch. (The H.P.) Do we not ALL know someone who seems to have been born completely devoid of a sense of humour? A boss, a co-worker, a prof? This is a rampant problem and someone needs to come up with a patch, like a nicotine patch, that a person can slap on at the start of everyday and keep a steady flow going throughout. They’ll be happier, we’ll all be happier. The danger, of course, will be those who slap 5 or 6 of these on at once. We won’t know if it’s pot, the patch or an attack by the Joker (y’know, the Joker, from “Batman”…never mind).
How about you? What invention are you still waiting for?