Bad Things I Have Done

fencemein.jpg These are purely fictional stories wherever the statute of limitations have not run out.

1) Shoplifting.
Went to Lincoln Memorial Garden with a friend. He took a necklace and I kept my mouth shut. When we got outside the gift shop he gave me the necklace (a very cool, manly necklace – seriously) as we walked home. I buried the necklace at the bottom of a road sign until I could figure out a convincing story for my parent’s on where it came from.

I never came up with the story. Never dug up the necklace. I guess that’s more an accomplice to shoplifting, all the guilt but none of the swag. I used to have bad dreams about this that involved large, matronly women chasing me down the nature trails shouting, “Thief!”. ‘Used to’, like last year.

2) Ran into Jeff’s car.
My best friend in high school had just restored and put a new paint job on his car. Just. First drive. I was meeting him and some friends at the school. I came roaring in with my car and decided to do a very cool “Starsky and Hutch” stop next to his car. When the pebble dust settled my ‘close call’ had been more than close. My car was fine. His new paint job was scratched. A lot.
“Just. Drive. Away.” He said through clenched teeth. I did.

The Barenaked Ladies heard about it and wrote the first verse of “One Week”
“It’s been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said “I’m angry”
Five days since you laughed at me saying
“Get that together come back and see me”
Three days since the living room
I realized it’s all my fault, but couldn’t tell you
Yesterday you’d forgiven me
but it’ll still be two days till I say I’m sorry”

Okay, not really, but the lyrics pretty well sum it up. I’m glad he stayed my friend when he shouldn’t have.

3) Lost my girlfriend’s class ring.
Trading class rings was the ultimate sign of affection and commitment. We thought. This was just before the ‘promise ring’ phenom hit.

I was at school and had it in my pocket, destined for a chain to be hung around my neck. And then it was gone. Worse. My Mom found out it was gone. She sent me to the school to search the ground for hours and hours and hours. No ring. Gone. I told my girlfriend. You know the expression, “hell hath no fury as a woman scorned.”? Try losing her graduation ring. Her sterling silver grad ring.

Later we broke up. She got to keep my grad ring since I lost hers. My ring was made of Ultrium, the wonder metal. Insult to injury baby.

4) Threw a dart in a girl’s foot to be tough.
Pretty much self-explanatory.

5) Broken Lead
Junior High. We were standing outside of our classroom, probably 3 of us, waiting for the room to get unlocked after lunch. I took my pencil, #2 Ticonderoga, stuck it in the keyhole and broke off the lead. The teacher appeared and tried to push his key into the lock. No go. I was sweating but in junior high that was just normal. I thought I’d get ratted out any second but apparently ‘sticking it to the man’, though not something we said a lot, was understood as part of the junior high code. We got into the classroom eventually but too late for him to give us the test.

I felt very guilty about this and if I ever hear how this teacher passed away I’m sure I’ll figure out that my lock stuffing was directly related to his death. Somehow.

…to be continued.


About brianmpei

Stumbling towards what comes next.
This entry was posted in Confession, Lists, Rambling, Reflective. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Bad Things I Have Done

  1. Shelley says:

    now there’s a title to catch a reader’s attention!! i love it. it’s like reading “true E-hollywood stories” or something. I am not old enough to confess online yet but look for mine in about 20 years.

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