Used

toothpasteallgone.jpg Today I’m feeling like a tube of toothpaste that’s been used up, then rolled up and squished down trying to get that last little bit out when you realize it’sreallyallgoneandyouforgottogetmoredespitetellingyourselfthedaybeforethatyou
reallyneededtogetanewtube. The creative drawer of my brain isn’t empty, there’s just toothpaste all over that needs to get stuffed back inside the tube because nobody likes toothpaste you’ve got to get from the inside of a drawer.

I’m coming off a weekend where I poured a lot out and had a lot poured back in and mostly feel like crawling into the back of a cave with a blanket, a candle and a book by Camus.

It’s been an interesting weekend full of self-doubt and wondering about whether or not I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing and thinking that mostly everyone thinks what’s happening is pretty stupid balanced with people coming up to tell me, unsolicited, that they feel like they’re supposed to tell me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Which isn’t the same as saying “you’re not stupid” but still pretty encouraging.

Please don’t hear me saying I need someone to tell me how cool I am (we all do but I don’t really need it right now). I’m not depressed, I realize that this is NOT what depression is like because I’ve been depressed. I’m just saying that the well is full at the moment but I don’t have a bucket to draw anything out with. And at the same time I’ve got these questions that keep kicking me in the brain about how old I am, what I’m doing or not doing, whether someone else could be doing it better or should be doing it instead of me and wondering why I can’t write a short and simple blog post…you know, the usual.

And I’m really writing this because I realized I’m afraid to. So here it is in digital black and white. This isn’t a bad day or a sad day, I’m really doing pretty good, it’s just a squeezed day. I’d like to be an inexhaustible person but that would be incredibly boring and I hate to be around those kinds of people.

And that’s what I’m thinking about today…

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About brianmpei

Stumbling towards what comes next.
This entry was posted in Confession, God, Life, Meaning, Rambling, Reflective. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Used

  1. nathan says:

    you’re so cute…..i have nothing really to offer apart from smiling, shaking my head and saying ‘ you’re so cute’

  2. sweetlybroken says:

    wow, very humbling read and what Nathan said.

  3. TJ says:

    The garden….get your hands back in the dirt for a day…stick them in the well to get what you need….get back to the simple….get outta your head for a while….it sounds very noisy……and what sweetlybroken and Nathan said….

  4. brianmpei says:

    Garden…sounds good. And thanks Nate, it’s nice to know my son thinks I’m cute.

  5. shelleyperry says:

    you’re not stupid.
    actually, you happen to be one of the smartest people I know and i like you even more now than 10 years ago (i liked you then too, but not the same amount)…i can only guess that i will like even more (if that is possible) in ten more years…so then getting older must be a good thing.

  6. brianmpei says:

    ah, thanks Shell, I like getting older I just wish I wasn’t getting slower and rounder too! Sometimes I do things that I think are cool but later I’m told it was “cheezy”, also a symptom of age. And I like you too. (and think you should move back to Charlotetteown…)

  7. I have days like the one you are describing in this post…frequently, actually. I liked the toothpaste analogy.

    I admire what you do and you do it well. You have a talent for it. But you really should think about writing a book because I think you have the talent for that, too.

  8. brianmpei says:

    Thanks Andrew. I think this might be my book.

  9. Rene says:

    I can’t believe that you still have self-doubts. You are one of the most centered, honest, caring, creative and interesting people that I have met. I once told you that you should consider writing a book. You have a special gift that most of us can only admire.

    I am finding out so much more about you through this blog!! I can’t believe that I didn’t know that much about you at RHS. We sat together in the library and talked about relationships. Do you remember?

  10. brianmpei says:

    Rene: I remember, I talked about a lot of things I knew nothing about! Thanks for your kind words and for being a friend!

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