Today I’m feeling like a tube of toothpaste that’s been used up, then rolled up and squished down trying to get that last little bit out when you realize it’sreallyallgoneandyouforgottogetmoredespitetellingyourselfthedaybeforethatyou
reallyneededtogetanewtube. The creative drawer of my brain isn’t empty, there’s just toothpaste all over that needs to get stuffed back inside the tube because nobody likes toothpaste you’ve got to get from the inside of a drawer.
I’m coming off a weekend where I poured a lot out and had a lot poured back in and mostly feel like crawling into the back of a cave with a blanket, a candle and a book by Camus.
It’s been an interesting weekend full of self-doubt and wondering about whether or not I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing and thinking that mostly everyone thinks what’s happening is pretty stupid balanced with people coming up to tell me, unsolicited, that they feel like they’re supposed to tell me that I’m right where I’m supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing. Which isn’t the same as saying “you’re not stupid” but still pretty encouraging.
Please don’t hear me saying I need someone to tell me how cool I am (we all do but I don’t really need it right now). I’m not depressed, I realize that this is NOT what depression is like because I’ve been depressed. I’m just saying that the well is full at the moment but I don’t have a bucket to draw anything out with. And at the same time I’ve got these questions that keep kicking me in the brain about how old I am, what I’m doing or not doing, whether someone else could be doing it better or should be doing it instead of me and wondering why I can’t write a short and simple blog post…you know, the usual.
And I’m really writing this because I realized I’m afraid to. So here it is in digital black and white. This isn’t a bad day or a sad day, I’m really doing pretty good, it’s just a squeezed day. I’d like to be an inexhaustible person but that would be incredibly boring and I hate to be around those kinds of people.
And that’s what I’m thinking about today…