The Reason for My Silence

shhhh.jpg I haven’t posted for quite a while now. That’s obvious to the 3 hardcore cracked virtue fans who keep checking in to see if there’s anything new. It’s less apparent to the several billion comfortably and blissfully all-together unaware of this blogs, or my own, existence.

The reason for my silence, truthfully, is that I’ve been wildly busy with living and unable to get myself into the space my little brain requires to write. I’m here for a moment and so I’ll make my excuses and fill you in on what’s up.

Our little church here has been growing and I’ve been connecting with all kinds of people and trying to keep one step ahead. A better metaphor in this case would be one stroke ahead of the tsunami that’s cresting just over my shoulder. It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at once. The great discovery of last week is that I’m far more comfortable with struggling than I am with succeeding. I can trust God, almost to a fault, when things are difficult and not going well. But when things are clicking, when we’ve found the groove and we’re working it, I tell God, “thanks, I’ll take it from here…” and try to figure out how to keep what’s happening happening even though I didn’t get it started to begin with. In the mean time I’m putting more of myself into my talks and into the conversations I’m having with the people around me. The secret I’ve got to embrace is letting go in the tough times and in the times of extra and leaving God all the room he wants in the ups, downs and radical middle of my life.

I’m also recognizing how much I need the discipline of writing something every day. I’ve started to put something together to post a few times but kept coming up with short diaries of my day and getting about 3 paragraphs into the very kind of post I hate reading myself. Some people love to read about the little bits and pieces of other people’s lives. I find it mostly boring and I don’t want to bore you or me with those kinds of things. But making a commitment to post something meaningful to me every day is really what it will take to get me and keep me posting regularly. And the examination of my day to day, mining the moments I’m in for something valuable and lasting, makes the discipline it takes worthwhile. I was out Sunday with a wise, funny, clever and insightful man who has lived an extraordinary life and now in his 80’s has a memory that makes me look like an amnesiac. But he doesn’t want to tell me too many stories from his past. He tells me he’s too interested in what’s happening now and in the future to start dwelling on the past. But once in a while I find I’m able to trick him into telling a story, which he does very well, and I’m amazed by what I hear. The other day he casually said, “There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you, will you do my funeral?” After recovering my ability to make articulate sounds I told him he might out live me but if not I’d be honoured to lead his funeral service.

I’m going to be less speechless here in the future but I don’t want to be boring either! Let me know if you’ve heard this one or if you’re starting to nod off over there…

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About brianmpei

Stumbling towards what comes next.
This entry was posted in blogging, Confession, death, Life, Reflective, writing. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to The Reason for My Silence

  1. Brad says:

    I can’t say I’ve read anything here to date that has been remotley boring or self indulgent. I think we are all here to have a peek past the curtain, whatever that may be.

  2. BrianD says:

    Never been boring, never will be!!! The Sounds of Silence since the last post have been deafening, though. Don’t do that again!

    It’s a great feeling when someone you respect a great deal asks you to do something for them. You know how much they just honored you with the request.

    I think most people find it easy to rely on God whenever we are scrambling and facing difficulties. We need him and we know it. When we are experiencing good times, we are busy and don’t depend on Him for our existence and sustenance. When you master the art of yielding to His leading in good times, let me know how you did it.

  3. sweetlybroken says:

    the only time I have ever thought you were boring was…..Feb. 6th to 18th, I either fall into the hardcore group of 3 or the much larger group of cyber stalkers waiting for your next post.
    “short diaries” keep us all up to date with you when life interferes with face time, hey… wait a minute, my blogs fall into that category.
    I suffer from the opposite side of your problem, I KNOW things are clicking because He makes it happen but will push against Him when things go sideways, I’m deluded into thinking I’m a great problem solver.
    Can I poke you with a stick when too many days go by in between your posts?

  4. shellie says:

    You, boring?? *pffffffft* Yah, right. I can think of a few words to describe you, my friend, but “boring” is not one of them! 🙂

    Glad to hear that the tsunami of success is building up behind you there. Good to know that the Lord is in control, and not just you, huh. 😉

    A few of my blogging homeschool friends have been trying to get me to start a blog, but it would definitely be “little bits and pieces of my daily life” and I agree that many of those kinds of blogs are boring, which is why I probably will never do one. I am unwilling to devote the time it would take to write something insightful… but I’m glad that YOU are willing. Keep it up!

  5. brianmpei says:

    Thanks for checking back y’all!

    Just to clarify one thing: I’m NOT overworked. My biggest problem is allowing myself to enjoy the now rather than try to “keep up the momentum”. I didn’t make the wave so i just need to enjoy the ride.

    Shellie, no one should blog more than you. For what my opinion is worth.

  6. barb says:

    you are not boring

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