Church Attendance

If you are “going to church” this week here are a hand-full of phrases to listen for. If you hear 3 or more of these there is a good chance the service is being televised and/or the preacher has big hair, no hair or speaks with a southern accent regardless of whether he’s from the north, west, east or Australia.

1. “This is the day of your breakthrough…” which turns out to be not so much of a big deal when almost 50 out of the 52 Sundays in a year are “the day of your breakthrough”.
2. “Seed” – by which they mean cash, cheque or credit card…
3. “Next level”…there’s always another level…like Amway…an expression curiously not found in the Bible.
4. “You are the head and not the tail.” Scripture true enough but Jesus said something about BEING a servant as opposed to HAVING servants which is usually what they mean.
5. “A new season”…usually not talking about one you’re familiar with. Generally connected with another big word, “favour”.
6. “This is a Kairos moment.” Using Greek or Hebrew words in general is a great way to add some ‘umph!’ to what you’re saying. Generally it means that God’s doing something “new” and He’s doing it “now”. Often connected to “an hour of divine visitation”. Again, don’t worry, they have these a lot and however you’re dressed is fine.
7. “Money cometh!” Actually attended a church service where we sang this while the offering was being collected. Personally it nearly induced vomiting. Confessionally: I sometimes still sing this under my breath when I need a laugh.
8. “God is raising up a generation of…” fill in the blank with ‘Joshuas’, ‘Gideons’, ‘Warriors’, ‘Davids’. Rarely will you hear it followed by, “Servants”.
9. “You will never be the same.” Sounds impressive and important. Generally everyone will be back the next week pretty much looking and acting exactly the same.
10. “Speak to your situation…” Don’t try to figure this out or come up with a translation. You’ll only hurt yourself trying. Mostly it follows a deeply held belief that talking to yourself out loud can change reality. Sadly it only seems to work if you’re on T.V.

My favourite part of this style of church is when they yell at God. I love passion but if my kids came home and every conversation they started with me ended with them yelling and nearly in tears I would be very, very concerned about our relationship and their mental health. So if you’re “going to church” like I am this holiday weekend (and let’s be honest, for some of us the holiday weekends are the only time we go) check out the lingo and report back the words and phrases that seem to be coming from another planet.


About brianmpei

Stumbling towards what comes next.
This entry was posted in Christianity, Church, God, language, Lists, Rant, religion, revival. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Church Attendance

  1. Yves says:

    Great post Brian.

    I don’t think I’ve ever heard the phrase “God is raising a generation of servants”… although I’ve heard messages on servant hood…

    Looks like monday is calling for turkey out here…. holidays usually brings some good meals.

    Hope you guys are doing well!

  2. jdjones says:

    Hilarious. I grew up in a Pentecostal church, so yeah, there were services where I heard every one of those in one message. Except “money cometh”. Thankfully I never heard that.

    Great post.

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